Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
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[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.