Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
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The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
This anagram machine is out of order.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.