Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
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Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!