My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
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Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them