Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
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Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie