Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
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Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
at ease…shoulder.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?