My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
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*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Yup.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
that’s really how it is
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead