I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
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*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
can’t talk my ride’s here
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.