*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
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[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”