Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
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Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
This is a sub tweet
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?