Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
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Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5