Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
podcasts
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning