My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
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They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
is this meant to deter me
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology