What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
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I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
#polloftheday
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb