If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
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DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex