[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
You Might Also Like
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Why I divorced her.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Yes my dude
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.