“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
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wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
thank god
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Very good! 👍😂