My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
You Might Also Like
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?