*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
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Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane