Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
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[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary