Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
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Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.