[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
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“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.