My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
“How’s your day going?”
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Strangers have the best candy.