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Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”