I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
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*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I mean…but I did
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
it’s the silliest best thing
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?