Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
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I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I think I’m having a stroke
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”