My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
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Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Who says great literature is dead?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.