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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
this has to be peak English
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak