Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
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Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
When you don’t understand how floors work
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”