CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
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Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔