Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
You Might Also Like
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
The old gods are rising again.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.