Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
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If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
This cat wants you to take your pills
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Shower sex be like:
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero