If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Chicago sounds lovely.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.