Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
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*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
If you know, you know
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok