peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
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People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
You sure about that?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
cat vs inanimate object
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.