me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T