Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
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Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉