Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
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*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS