Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
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ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
A French press is when you hug naked
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.