If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
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I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?