diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Danger is very dangerous
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.