*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
You Might Also Like
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Jupiter
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced