I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
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I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
OKAY DAD
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)