Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
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hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I’m pretty like a car crash.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works