Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
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All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.