[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
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getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.