you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
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For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
2022 will be better than 2021
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”