Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
You Might Also Like
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Investing in beetcoin
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
the council will decide your fate
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What