Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
You Might Also Like
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
wow he looks just like him
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*