I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
You Might Also Like
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.